Diagnosis: Afterparty

Since turning 40 in 2024, there’s a quote in Beyonce’s 2023 release “Renaissance: a Film by Beyonce” that I have fully felt in my bones:

“It’s a really beautiful, liberating place to be as a woman, and that’s why I think 40s are the best. It’s the best time of my life. I thought I was there at 30? No. It’s getting better. Life is getting better. I spent so much of my life a serial people pleaser, and finally I don’t give a fuck. And I’m able to not give a fuck about things unworthy of my energy, but still be myself and still be sensitive and empathetic. And its not from a place of being rebellious. I have nothing to prove to anyone at this point.”

I really thought I was hitting my stride in the carefree and unbothered department, but this really blows everything out of the water. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined describing in great detail my poops as of recent to my friends and family. And not feel the slightest bit of unease about it; it’s all just mechanical and part of the story. And doing so running on a total of maybe 5 hours of sleep over 2 days, barely having any food for close to 3, and the stomach cramps of the CT scan contrast. Other than spontanous crying yesterday and a lack of appetite, I was stunned at how well I was taking the news.

And then I wrote that blog post last night.

Writing it felt like the scene in the Little Mermaid where Ursula is yanking Ariel’s voice out of her throat. It just came up and out like word vomit- and one of the first pieces of writing I think I’ve ever done where I didn’t go back and edit anything. As soon as I hit publish, I actually yawned for the first time in 2 days. I immediately had enough of an appetite to suck down an entire Noka superfood smoothie pouch. Jimmy and I put on a movie, and within 20 minutes I had fallen asleep. I woke up this morning having slept close to 10 hours! And the stomach cramps are gone! And even more exciting, I had a real (albiet tiny) solid poop! (I’m going to leave that first post alone, but upon a morning re-read there’s definitely stuff I’m itching to edit; and shewee is my writing dusty, so expect each entry to get better and better!)

I’m perhaps even scaring myself with how much optimism I have today. Right now cancer just feels like a silly little health thing I just need to take care of; like healing a broken arm. A simple checklist of to-do’s that I’ll need to cross off as I go, but otherwise, my mind is actually wandering to the few chores I want to get done today, and what movies or shows I want to watch later. There’s nothing to overthink right now, and that feels really light and buoyant.

Do I expect to write something here as often as this so far? Absolultely not. But less than 40 hours from a cancer diagnosis, and I feel THIS good, and THIS optimistic, and dare I say, a glimmer of normalcy? All because I wrote that long post last night?? This blog is not only going to save me, but it’s going to keep me feeling like me in the best, most normal way. In the words of Beyonce, “life is getting better.”

And now, for what I hope to be the only housekeeping break from narrative: I’m not loving how clunky this whole layout and setup on WordPress is, but I’m learning as I go and expect to make improvements for ease of use and intuitiveness. I think I added a subscribe option, but not sure if it’s fully working, so bear with me and hopefully in a few months (or, with the Katrina determination I know I posess, by the end of the day) this whole blog experience will be a ton cleaner. Having to learn WordPress funcitonality is going to be another outlet to keep my mind off things.