Diagnosis: Afterparty

Funny what one little run will do.

After I had written that last entry, I knew what needed to happen. Get my head out of my butt (figuratively in multiple ways) and lace up my running shoes for the first time since I got this diagnosis. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy having taken so much time off, having barely eaten due to having such a low appetite lately, and going through one of the toughest days thus far (if that wasn’t made obvious by the themes of the last entry). But my oncologist demanded I continue to stay active during all of this, and I knew my mental state needed it.

I hopped on my Peloton tread and picked a walk/run class, since I knew I was in no mental or physical shape to fully run for 30 minutes. I chose Kirsten Ferguson’s 30 min Destiny’s Child Walk/Run, knowing the singalong jams would help keep going. I changed my leaderboard hashtag, so I could keep in mind what I was running for.

I had made it through 20-something minutes, but the second the first synth hit on the final song, “Survivor,” I broke down sobbing (luckily we were in a walk interval). My emotions got the best of me but my mind started to really piece everything together. I may not be a survivor yet, but I will never be if I just give up. I started to see a more focused picture on how I plan to get past this; the clouds began to clear even if just a bit. Michelle really brought the point home with the bridge “After all of the darkness and sadness, Soon comes happiness. If I surround myself with positive things, I’ll gain prosperity”

Once the 30 minutes ticked by, I still needed another minute to hit a full 2 miles. My slowest run I’ve ever run in my entire life. And yet, the most important run of my entire life. This isn’t just a ribbon, a smile, and run a 5k kinda cancer. This is staring down the barrel of a gun cancer. Fight for my entire life cancer. The “fight” isn’t just sitting back and letting chemo seep into my veins while maintaining a positive outlook, I need to be an active participant in this fight.

My oncologist certainly suggested I clean up my diet, stay hydrated, and continue staying active, but how could I do all those things the best that anyone has ever done them? I’m not one to half ass anything; I’ve got a spreadsheet, a list of goals, a plan, a map, and notes on just about every aspect of my life. And you know who cancer is worst on? People who love planning. It’s tough when I don’t know what the rest of this week will look like, or how I’ll feel. But in order to regain a sense of control, I need to take back control. After that run, aided by some bright new endorphins, I decided I was going to spend the weekend reading, learning, and discovering things that cancer survivors have done. I got educated on a lot of the science behind cancer treatments and the role the person with cancer plays in their own recovery. I read books, I highlighted, I made lists, I watched documentaries, I grocery shopped, I bought a juicer.

I decided that I’m taking an active role in this. I’m going to treat my body just like the database I manage at work: garbage in, garbage out. While I couldn’t entirely name the feeling when I was first diagnosed, I really did feel like my body betrayed me. But the reality is, I had betrayed my body. Years of energy drinks, sugary sweets, tequila, dairy, and meat– disguised as a healthy person because I drink a ton of water, eat some fresh fruit, and run. I’m never going to blame myself or my body for creating this cancer, but I can surely accept responsbility for creating an environment that allowed it to flourish.

By no means am I taking a fully holistic approach; I have no plans on abandoning chemotherapy (which starts this week!!) and immunotherapy. My goal is a more integrative approach; do everything in my power to beat this from the inside out, while oncology works to beat it from the outside in. If you want big changes, you have to make big changes. The two medical approaches are a great one-two punch, and I’m hoping my diet can be the knockout punch.

Hope. I found it again this past weekend.

While I was sipping my first-of-many glasses of homemade-cancer-fighting-juice, eating some mandarins & pistachios, a song came up on shuffle that I had never fully listened to. From her most recent album, Demi Lovato’s “Sorry to Myself.” And the lyrics hit me in a way that made this feeling come full circle.

I could point fingers at everyone else
But sooner or later, it lands on myself
My mistakes have made mistakes of their own

Doubling down like it’s second nature
I beat you to it, I was my favorite hater
But I’m tired, now I’m flirting with hope

I was the king of pain
I always found a new way to complain
And they say, “When you gonna change, honey?”
When you gonna face it? Why you gotta waste it?

I’m sorry to myself
For lying in the mirror, saying, “Oh, this is love”
For lying in the mirror, pouring salt in the cut
I’m sorry to myself
For doing a number, saying, “Oh, toughen up”
For buying what you sell, I’m sorry to myself

Sorry for the starving, sorry for the burnout
Sorry for the hurting but love how it turned out

I’m fully ready to tackle this thing, but from a place of love for my body. Our bodies can do great things, you just have to give it what it needs to thrive. I’ve found a way to truly love myself from the inside out in order to create hope. Now I know it’s me and my body against Krang, healing together.

^{It’s kinda funny I wound up buying a Ninja (like the turtle) juicer to fight Krang}